wha' happened?
i dont know what it is, but something isnt right. i can sense it just beyond understanding (ok, so i can already feel that this may be a very deep post with not-so-easy-to-understand imagery. i will do my best to paint this for you, but i make no promises.) i guess it started at work on thursday night. around the last hour of work that night, roughly 9:30ish EDT, i realized that i just cannot do that job anymore. i can no longer put up with poeple being whiney and disrespectful and self-centered. by the way, this applies to both co-workers (i.e. other servers and kitchen staff) as well as customers. while it is possible that i just need some time off, i feel like my "career" as a server has run its course. i gave it four years; that is a pretty good run.
also this week, i have been struggling with small anxiety attacks. at first i thought it was caused by being over-stressed at work. but they have persisted over the past few days. usually what happens is my heart starts beating really fast, unprovoked, like some has just scared me. imagine you are looking over a cliff or over the side of a really tall building, and just for a split second you think you are about to fall...thats the feeling. so, anyways, my heart is beating really fast and suddenly i am all confused like i just woke up from a 10-second nap, like i know what is going on, but i have forgotten what i was just writing or trying to say or why i just walked into a room. (this is getting more difficult to explain, but i am trying to associate what this is like in as many relatable examples as i can, so bare with me.) so couple this with an underlying feeling of detachment and random bouts with dislexia, and you have an understanding of where i am at right now.
this isnt the first time i have had this stuff happen. the most recent was last November during finals, but the difference between then and now is that then i was obviously stressed about finals. this time the antagonist is something of an enigma. i am not in school and i dont currently have a job. indeed, i should be the least stressed out person i know, however the anxiety remains. something doesnt feel right.
another thing that has been on my mind, and i will pose it as a question (because it is just easier to do so): have you ever wanted to be someone else? not necessarily someone else specifically, but just another person that isnt you. i sure have. it isnt that i dont like who i am, or that i regret my choices in life or my morals, but i sometimes i just wish i didnt have be so different from everyone else. again, dont take this that i find being a Christian to be burdensome. most of the time i am very proud of my morals and the fact that i have never once smoked or drank or done any type of drug whatsoever. i was very fortunate to have some great friends at work who accepted me for who i am and they never tried to peer-pressure me into doing anything i didnt want to do. i did go to several parties that they had as well as applebee's after many times to hang out with them. sometimes they would offer me something to drink or whatever and even to pay for it if i just wanted to try it, but they were never condesending or irritated when i would decline. having said that, there were times when i felt like and outsider and i wanted to be part of the group. it is interesting how Satan doesnt tempt you as much with the things that you are strong against, but he knows where your weaknesses are and that is what he attacks.
dang, this thing is long and it has taking me forever to type with my sudden dislexia problem. i am not going to proof read it, so we will all just have to live with my spelling errors. just so you know, if a sentence doesnt make any sense try replacing "or" with "of" or "is" with "in". those usually give me the most problem.
also this week, i have been struggling with small anxiety attacks. at first i thought it was caused by being over-stressed at work. but they have persisted over the past few days. usually what happens is my heart starts beating really fast, unprovoked, like some has just scared me. imagine you are looking over a cliff or over the side of a really tall building, and just for a split second you think you are about to fall...thats the feeling. so, anyways, my heart is beating really fast and suddenly i am all confused like i just woke up from a 10-second nap, like i know what is going on, but i have forgotten what i was just writing or trying to say or why i just walked into a room. (this is getting more difficult to explain, but i am trying to associate what this is like in as many relatable examples as i can, so bare with me.) so couple this with an underlying feeling of detachment and random bouts with dislexia, and you have an understanding of where i am at right now.
this isnt the first time i have had this stuff happen. the most recent was last November during finals, but the difference between then and now is that then i was obviously stressed about finals. this time the antagonist is something of an enigma. i am not in school and i dont currently have a job. indeed, i should be the least stressed out person i know, however the anxiety remains. something doesnt feel right.
another thing that has been on my mind, and i will pose it as a question (because it is just easier to do so): have you ever wanted to be someone else? not necessarily someone else specifically, but just another person that isnt you. i sure have. it isnt that i dont like who i am, or that i regret my choices in life or my morals, but i sometimes i just wish i didnt have be so different from everyone else. again, dont take this that i find being a Christian to be burdensome. most of the time i am very proud of my morals and the fact that i have never once smoked or drank or done any type of drug whatsoever. i was very fortunate to have some great friends at work who accepted me for who i am and they never tried to peer-pressure me into doing anything i didnt want to do. i did go to several parties that they had as well as applebee's after many times to hang out with them. sometimes they would offer me something to drink or whatever and even to pay for it if i just wanted to try it, but they were never condesending or irritated when i would decline. having said that, there were times when i felt like and outsider and i wanted to be part of the group. it is interesting how Satan doesnt tempt you as much with the things that you are strong against, but he knows where your weaknesses are and that is what he attacks.
dang, this thing is long and it has taking me forever to type with my sudden dislexia problem. i am not going to proof read it, so we will all just have to live with my spelling errors. just so you know, if a sentence doesnt make any sense try replacing "or" with "of" or "is" with "in". those usually give me the most problem.
posted by michael at 2:27 AM
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